It's (almost) the end of my day. It's that time where it's too late to start anything new, because then I won't get to leave on time. But it's also too early to just stop doing anything because someone may notice me sitting here doing nothing.

It's also my birthday. I don't feel like it's anything but an ordinary day. I just feel like it's Monday. I am not a big fan of parties for myself, and in fact I've just gotten to the point where Christmas doesn't make me want to puke. It all has to do with the attention. I don't like it. I don't like all the eyes on me; it makes me feel like I need to perform in some way. Like I could fuck up at any time and then everyone would laugh and point.

My wedding nearly killed me. I was fine during the ceremony, right up until the point where we turned around. We had this really great song playing, and we had decided to start walking out of the chapel at a certain point. It was 5 seconds into the song. If it had been 6 seconds, I think I would have tossed my cookies.

My master's degree is very important to me for the same reason. In every class (15 in all) they expect you to stand up every few weeks and give a presentation. That was bad enough. Then, at the end of finals, when your degree is so close you can taste it, they make you come in for your orals. Oral examination. Sounds fun, huh? You sit in a room with 4 or 5 professors (some you may have been in class with, some not) and at least one person from the "professional world". They ask you questions. For an hour. I couldn't eat for a day leading up to it. And all I wanted to do was puke right after. Thank God they gave me a fucking mug with the school logo. A mug was all I needed after not having eaten anything.

Anyhow - I am especially anxious today. Amanda called me last Friday and told me that a friend of hers had to fire one of his employees. He has his own computer company. He's only a couple years older than me (even at my new age), and he has his own company. Makes me feel like a loser. He may be interested in hiring me, but then again he may not. We'll just have to wait and see.

PS Dear God:

I know I don't believe in you, and even if I did I would sometimes wish you didn't. But please get me out of this hell hole!

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duh - 2008-09-15

hi mac - 2006-12-12

corporate whore - 2006-11-03

new - 2006-10-05

elvis costello sings for you - 2006-09-27

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