I'm taking a vacation day on Monday. Yes - antoher one. But this one is for Amanda's very first doctor appointment. The one where we'll feel like idiots because there's so much we don't know about this whole process. But it should be good - and I am really looking forward to it. I'm also glad that Amanda is happy to have me along - I'd be frustrated if she didn't want me to go with her.

So last week I was excited because, having taken the entire day off, I was going to have a three day weekend. Then I realized that I had to go to work today. That's just something that my manager would do - go and ruin my perfectly good three day weekend. It's OK though, at least with Monday off I will feel like I had a weekend and the week will be shorter. Today was "if you're a dumbass, we need you" day at work. Apparently they told all the intelligent people not to come in and invited everyone (including me) to come do some busy work so they can be sure they're ripping off a satisfactory amount of people and making enough of a profit doing so. I sat there while my two co-workers left for the day around 1:30. I felt like shit - they hadn't done much, but our manager told them to go ahead and leave. Two hours later, our manager came over to "check on me" and I asked how much longer I had to stay. He said, "Oh, we've been done." That's why he's a motherfucker. I spent the day being terrified of the one armed woman, eating cold hot dogs at 11 in the morning, and avoiding the very scary warehouse workers - and two hours of it was just a waste (well, more, but who's counting, right?)

Meanwhile - in my free time I took advantage of the t1 connection to do some internet perusing. I bought a Christmas gift for Amanda (everyone has to wait to hear what it is though, she reads this journal too!), caught up on the goings-on of the world and I found this. I used to read this guy's site regularly but stopped for some reason. I think it got a little too religious or mushy or something. But today's find was a good one. It was in the archives and it is one of the few things I read from a male perspective that makes me actually feel like my response to Amanda being pregnant is positive - and that I'm not some weirdo for feeling good about it.

I also found a fantastic book aimed at dads-to-be called "The Expectant Father". Big thanks to my good friends A & A for that - you guys are great. This book makes me want to be part of the process and it's reassuring to read. And what I need now more than ever is reassurance. I am sure now that pregnancy causes hormonal / emotional / psychological changes for the male as well as for the female. My mind races daily with thoughts and feelings ranging from fear to elation. Sometimes I feel like I'm way too young to be a dad, but I'm the same age as my brother was when he had his son. I also feel like I can't possible be a good parent because I don't know enough yet. I can't explain things to my child, I can't answer questions. Unless I pull the trick my parents always did - make up any answer you like. They were forever lying to me about anything and everything. I always learned the truth from my brother, though. I don't feel "grown up" enough. I feel like I'll look like one of those teenage fathers who you see and say to yourself, "Looks like he started early!" or "He shouldn't been stickin' that thing places!"

OK, so hopefully no one really says that second one. Point is I'm scared. But I'm equally excited, if not more...

Tomorrow is project day. Hopefully. I really need to do some stuff in the yard and around the house so we don't look like we live in the ghetto anymore. No offense to anyone in the ghetto....

previous - next

duh - 2008-09-15

hi mac - 2006-12-12

corporate whore - 2006-11-03

new - 2006-10-05

elvis costello sings for you - 2006-09-27

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What I Read(for fun and amusement)

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