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2002-11-25 - 3:10 p.m.

i'm an ass

I'm really not sure about writing this entry - what I want to say and if I even want to say it.

Maybe I'll start off general. I feel like shit. I keep trying to convince myself, and everyone else, that I just have bad allergies and sinus problems. Truth is, I'm getting sick. In fact I'd venture to say I have a cold.

Maybe it's punishment for the way I behaved this weekend. Friday was a great day. We went out to eat with some of our friends and had a good time - everyone was in a good mood and it was nice. Saturday I woke up in a good mood, but things went quickly downhill from there. I went off on Amanda. Through no fault of her own I managed to go ballistic. I'm not real sure what I was so upset about, but I know I ended up leaving the house and driving around for a while. She didn't do anything - I think I somehow got my feelings hurt about something and took it out on her. Right in the midst of the time she most needs me to be supportive and nice and understanding. I feel like a heel. Lower than that. I feel like what the heel accidentally stepped in.

When I got home we had a nice talk. And we figured some things out, but it didn't do much for making me feel better. I felt like crap for having the misfired reaction that I did. Part of me hates writing about this because I feel like it was all my fault (it was) and I don't know how to handle that. Part of me, though, feels good about writing this. I hate that our friends and family think we have some sort of perfect relationship. I hate trying to live up to that. I hate that being seen as perfect (in any situation) leads to a larger downfall once a mistake is made. We don't have a perfect relationship. But we have a great one. One that I feel is completely the right one for me to be in. I don't think that we have "problems", not the on-going type anyway. None of those "our relationship is in danger" problems. We have problems when one of us thinks the other one is being too selfish, or when there's simply a misunderstanding. We never scream the "I hate you" type of things. We're not in trouble - it's just one of those things I got bent out of shape over... for no good reason.

In my down time on Sunday I re-read some of my book on becoming a dad. For some reason I opened completely randomly to the section on how this is the most crucial time for a husband to be loving and supportive and not to stir up problems. I felt like shit again. Now when I am awakened at 3am by the police because my child has stolen a car and used it to perform drive by shootings - I will think back to this weekend. "Maybe if I had just kept my mouth shut. Maybe if I had not said anything it would've all blown over and I wouldn't have caused my child to turn into this.

One other thing that pisses me off about it all...

The world has NOT stopped turning because Amanda is pregnant. I still have to go to work. I still have to pay the mortgage. It's fucking freezing outside and there are no little birds chirping and landing on my shoulder. WTF?! That's what I wanted it to be like. Stress free. Easy. Cheerful at all times. It's not.

But it ain't bad either. We're still going to be parents. That's the best part.

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